Yes, the marketing geniuses had designed the box to colorfully display good things organically related to the proper nourishment of humanity—butterflies flitting from flower to flower, trees loaded with ripening fruit, kids happily romping through tall green grass.
I shoved the hype aside to tell myself that yes, I really could use this latest electro-mechanical wonder. Even if it made good on only half the claims, it would be an efficient helper in my quest for a longer life. At twenty-two bucks, even the price was right.
As I left the store, I peeked into the shopping bag to again be convinced by the colorful illustrations that all was well. Once home, however, I decided to contain my enthusiasm, wait until morning when with a clearer mind I could properly read the instruction book.
Dawn came. I got up, made coffee, then turned my attention to the box. Seemingly made secure enough to withstand a Richter 7 earthquake, F5 tornado, or Category five hurricane, it finally yielded to knife and scissors and out fell the palm sized instruction manual.
A turn of the first page revealed a table of contents which I thought was a bit strange because the so-called “manual” only had eighteen pages. Listed there was the usual overview, general information, using, storage, troubleshooting, and technical data followed by an illustration identifying the device’s nine parts. Already, I was anticipating it being a faithful servant, helping me enhance my overall well being.
That barely manageable tide of promised joy, however, soon revealed itself as being something quite different and unexpected. The first clue was an “Explanation of symbols” with those symbols being Warning!, Caution!, and Notice! That was followed by two triangles, one with an exclamation point labeled “Important safety information” and the other shown with the image of a bolt of lightning labeled “Risk of electric shock.”
Fair enough, I thought. After all, all of us must make sure that what we are doing is safe. I turned the page.
Imagine my disappointment when I was then greeted with the words: Safety, Proper Use, Important Safeguards, and Warning. That’s when I was told the machine should never be used by anyone with “reduced mental capabilities, or lack of experience and knowledge.” Did that include me? Were they suggesting I might not know enough to continue? I could feel my enthusiasm wicking away. Little did I know, however, that the worst was yet to come.
Next were eight pages of commands, each insisting they be carefully read, completely understood, and properly executed. I had to be careful I didn’t kink the power cord or use the device outdoors or in bed. I had to keep the air openings free of hair and lint, keep children away from the package the item came in, and always wash my hands while preparing food so as to prevent not only me but also all family members from suffering, maybe even dying from food poisoning. Each point was emphasized with exclamation points. With that, I was definitely and impatiently ready to move on to the good part.
Next and finally, but condensed to less than one page, were the dozen steps for how to use the device. It began by saying, “Connect the power cord to the power outlet.” At this point and with a sarcastically driven, wicked smile, I couldn’t help but wonder why I wasn’t being told the device wouldn’t work unless I stood at the kitchen counter on my right leg while rotating my left leg and moving my right arm in a slow horizon to horizon arc.
That was followed by four more pages of warnings and risks including how I should discard the now empty box.
Then came seventeen pages of all of the above repeated, but in Spanish.
Finally, I was able to heave a deep breath of relief. Fully informed and properly educated, I was now qualified to acknowledge that in the wrong hands, this small and innocent looking device in the colorful box could turn into a monster fully capable of ruining my life, killing somebody, or in some way, shape, or form, aiding in the destruction of the world.
I then loaded it with nutrient powder, banana, and juice, hit the switch, gulped the smoothie it made, and got on with my day.
